Not only for what you have made of yourself

Whew! It's almost been two months since my last blog. I think about things daily, "oh i should blog about that" I would like to say it's because I'm very busy and being oh so productive, but I think it's just because I'm lazy and have not chose to blog.

Quick update. Graduation has moved once again to August 13, 2010 (Happy Birthday Tina). I am much more sure about this date. It is not bad. I have chosen to do A&M's internship that goes from Jan-July. I am required to be a student during this time, so official graduation won't be until August. I still plan to finish all my "PhD stuff" this semester. The overall timeline has not changed.

....
Today I went Hobby Lobby to look for a house warming gift for a friend of mine. While shopping around, I saw a wall hanging with the following poem (well part of it):

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

In true girl fashion, I liked this poem. This being my first year of marriage, I have thought a lot about what I want and what marriage should be. This poem speaks of some of the things I desire in a partnership, really of any kind. I want to be made better through each relationship. Supported, encouraged, pushed to my fullest potential. Some might say I cannot rely on others to make ME better and that is not really what I'm saying either, but I do know the support and love of others is what has allowed me to be successful so far. I also would like the partner to desire to be their best. I'm not sure what my best will bring, but I hope I strive for it and not settle, making excuses for with the best just wouldn't work (which I can see happening at times). On the other hand, I would like contentment and happiness in whatever life would bring.

Another thing I have been contemplating, now that I am married, "how much of this life is my own?" As another chapter of my education comes to an end, I am faced with choices and thoughts of the future. I believe these decisions would be easier, but lonelier, if I was completely single. And now I am faced with the balance of "my best," "his best," "our best," and which one is the priority. This balance is important in all aspects of life, not only the professional. I am passive aggressive and I don't want to settle on something I desire just to avoid confrontation, but I don't want to demand things that would not be best just because I want it.

Ah life. It is wonderful. I do know I am not perfect. Decisions and mistakes have been and will be made, but we will all survive. I have a wonderful support system who wants me to be happy at my best. I just have to figure out how to get there.

Yeah I'm a geek, what?

As some of you may know, Brian and I play these online games. My gateway "drug," and first true love, was City of Heroes. We then moved on to the heavier, more life consuming (for some), World of Warcraft. Both are fun, but with a joyous heart I would like to announce we are now back to City of Heroes. I have thought of a long list of things I love about City of Heroes and I might post that list at a later date, but for now I leave you with my newly redesigned, Mistress Melter. She is wearing costume designed by Anne and Brian which features her powers of fierce fire and bone chilling ice.

Please oh, Please oh PLEASE!

I feel as though I am pregnant (I'm not) and I can't tell anyone because it is too early in the pregnancy (again, I am NOT pregnant) and something might happen. So by writing this blog I am sure that I will jinx myself, but alas I will write it anyway. So to make a long story short, I have been in grad school working on my PhD (with no Masters) for 4 years now. When I began I hoped to be done this May, but as my study start date kept getting pushed back, I knew that my May 2009 graduation date was no longer, we quickly passed by August 2009 as well, but December looked promising. Well I didn't get as many subjects as I had hoped this Spring, so I needed more participants in the Fall and there went December 2009 graduation. I had begun to accept the idea of a May 2010 graduation. Well yesterday my professor told me I could be done with my data collection after this group of women were through (which is in a few weeks) and I could begin writing my dissertation. He said I can count on and plan for a December 2009 graduation!! Now I can put the countdown back on my Facebook profile, heh. I will help someone in my lab with the next group of women in the Fall, but I will not need to include them in my dissertation. This being said, it might all change. And I know it's not a huge deal one way or the other. I just want to be done and officially have the degree, so I don't have to worry about anything happening to take it away from me. Thank you all for all of your support through the years. I will keep you posted and let me know when we'll be celebrating. Now back to work, so I can get done!

Well

Life over the past couple of weeks has been a crazy mess, emotionally and physically. The clean up has begun, so hopefully I'm on a road to a full recovery. Things are just really busy. The past couple of weeks have been full of long work days with little sleep on either end, but that's life. With the good the bad and the ugly, I have found I have the most amazing friends at this point in my life. Friends on which I can depend. Friends who love me unconditionally, which is quite an amazing feat. They have yet to tell me to stop complaining and talking about the same issues over and over again. They help without question or motive. They have true concern for my well being and are always there to bring a smile to my face! Through these crazy weeks I have had an awesome time with many friends. For everything, I am truly thankful. You have no idea how much your friendship means to me.

Whew!

From one trip to another. This semester is flying by and for that I am thankful. It means progress is being made. I'm sure there will come a point in my life when I wonder where all the time went and I'll find myself wishing I had it back. Of course, the good times roll by faster than the bad, but there's not much I can do about that. When it all comes down to it, it will be the people I miss the most. So now, I cherish the time I have and enjoy the memories we make. (Some of you there are not near enough memories being made. We should remedy that)!

The trip. I'm heading to The Big Easy tomorrow for a conference. It should be fun. This will be the first time I will present my own research (yay for finally being done with THAT poster)! I am also taking some work with me so I can get some major data entry done. I'm going to take advantage of the evenings with no friends and get some work done! Sad I know, but hey, since I'm going for work I might as well work!

Well I hope everyone is doing well. I have been crazy busy the last few weeks, and at this point I'm not too sure how to slow down. The semester's almost over! Hope to see you on the other side!

The grass is always greener

I spent a long weekend in Washington DC this past weekend and like every trip to DC, it was great. Washington DC is special to me for many reasons, one of them being the freedom and liberation that is public transportation. I love that you can walk around a city and take the subway or bus anywhere. I have been to DC 4 times so far. Each time has been a trip of significant personal growth, reflection, and hope. This past trip was nothing short of that. Many possibilities for the next step presented themselves including fellowships in which to apply and ideas for postdoctoral projects. As the end of my graduate school career approaches (hopefully), the next step weighs heavy on my mind. Where do I go from here? Will choosing one way rule out another way forever? Will I regret not going for something? Will I always wonder if I could have done it? Does it matter at all? I would love, at some point in my life, to spend sometime working in Washington DC. At this point, I do not want to live there forever, maybe just a year or two. Again DC gives me such a sense of freedom and peace. I am getting restless with the career/academic aspect of my life. I know the grass is always greener. DC may be so appealing because, to this point, I have no real responsibility there. Once a job and everyday life sets in along with the high cost of living, I know it will be just as stressful and trying at times as it is now. And I will be far from my friends and family. Logistically, Houston is a better choice. Or there's the CDC in Georgia:) We'll see. No need to worry about it all until the offers are on the table. In the end, I may not have a choice! And after all the debate, it is no longer just my decision. It would be easier to make the decision on my own, but it would be a much lonelier life. There are more important things in life, than a career. Again, we'll see where life takes us. I guess it is a true blessing that life is full of possibilities. And at this point I don't think there is a right or wrong decision. I feel no matter what I will find more happiness than which I could have ever planned (hopefully, heh).

Yay Mondays

Yes, I know it is no longer Monday. While I dread Mondays like everyone else (especially the Monday after Spring Break), Mondays are by far the most productive day of my week. I think the reason behind this is pure anxiety and guilt (again especially after Spring Break) is this. It is a vicious cycle. I work hard in the lab at the beginning of the week, towards the end I work on my lesson for Franklin that week, and then I spend a day in Franklin becoming completely neglectful of my lab duties. While many grad students, not in my lab, are working from sun up to sun down on the weekends as well, my weekends are lazy- full of sleep and computer gaming. After that, say 4 day, lapse in laziness and/or neglect for my lab work, Monday rolls around great anxiety in tow. When Monday hits, I work diligently to complete as many tasks for the week as I can. I should really space out the task over the week to reduce anxiety and apathy for my job in the following days, but I just can't. I am fine with sitting around, but I cannot sit around knowing I have a long list of things to do. I MUST get them ALL done on Monday. I know the reality is they can't ALL be done on one day for various reasons, but I try. None-the-less it makes for a very productive Monday which leaves me with a great sense of accomplishment and tired.

Tired- ah that is why I am up at 6:10 in the morning. I have really been up since about 2:30. I fell asleep on the couch about 10 o'clock, due to my very productive Monday, and then woke up around 2:30. I got ready for bed, climbed in and laid there for an hour (yes I say 'an' hour, so I write 'an' hour whether it be correct or not). Now I am here. The night started with productive work for school and has ended in this fabulous post.

On a side note, I am stressing out about a hotel room reservation. I am going to New Orleans in April for a scientific meeting. Normally we would share hotel rooms and split the cost. I don't want to share a hotel room and I think I have waited too long to look for a roommate. I would really rather stay with my Korean lab mate (who is male), than some girl I don't know, but I think that is social unacceptable. SO I am trying to find a room that is reasonably priced (100-150) in a nice enough hotel in hopes to save my lab some money. The secretary also booked flights for us without our consent, which is not a huge deal, but she booked us to stay 6 nights. The hotel bill alone will be quit hefty. I have spent hours over analyzing the situation, and I think I might just speak with my professor tomorrow. If you have any suggestions please let me know. Again I am tight, even with money that is not mine!

Well I think I am off, unfortunately to get ready for school. Even though I am really tired, I know if I go lay down for a few hours, I will not wake up until late this afternoon. Hopefully I can avoid another late night nap on the couch tonight, but that's doubtful. Hope you all have an awesome day!